Even though you already know this story, Chargenda

So yesterday at work, a client found a stray puppy. I was supposed to take it to a no kill shelter but on the drive there, got the bright idea to actually take it home instead. I tried calling Keke and ChazzyB so they could talk me out of it but neither answered their work phones. So I blame them for this whole ordeal. Anyways, the thing was cute at first, once I bathed it and got rid of some of the poop smell. But then it quickly showed its true colors. Started pooping and peeing inside, scratching its fleas, and whimpering and barking anytime I left it alone. I tried to take it to the no kill shelter when ChazzyB came over but we were too late and it was closed.

So my mom is coming by this morning to pick it up and take it to the shelter. I'm leaving it in the bathroom right now cuz did I mention that its in heat and bleeding as well? It won't stop crying and barking and scratching at the door and its slowing making me crazy. I hate this dog and have a whole new appreciation for Bull. Oh and the picture above came up when I googled "scrappy".

Uh Oh....

So I had date #2 with Mr. Big Dick from Work last night. It lasted until almost 3 PM today. He was super nervous when I first met up with him and could barely make eye contact. He mellowed out a bit with time but I was able to pry out of him that he just broke up with his girlfriend of over 3 years last week. And they still live together. He really didn't want to share this info but thanks to my handy detective skills, I got it out of him. And then he felt bad and said he didn't want to be less than straight forward with me and blah blah blah.

Anyways, he came back to my place and we did it all night again. Then we slept for a couple hours and did it again. Then we laid in bed and talked for like 3 hours. He shared more about the break-up and seemed pretty mature and insightful about the whole situation. I told him about my dyke past. He was cool with it and we ended up telling lots of stories and laughing a shit load. It was the best post-sex bedtime I've ever had.

Eventually, he went to leave and we started going at it again. He asked if we could hang out again soon without so much drinking and I suggested we make dinner sometime. Then it started getting all hot and heavy and I looked at the time and saw that I was late to meeting Keke and knew that I was being beyond lame and shitty and so we ended it and went our separate ways.

The moral of the story is this:

• my body is totally adapting to his gigantic dick
• he's super cute and funny
• I'm not gonna get too into him right now cuz of his whole break-up situation
• I'm a good detective
• the picture above came up when I googled "ex girlfriend"
• I can be a super lame friend when I'm getting action
  

Back in the Game

I thought it was over with the 23 year old. We've barely been in touch and he bailed on the indie wrestling DVD party at the last minute. I wasn't surprised or sad that it was over, just happy that it had ever happened to begin with. But then he sends me a text tonight asking for a private wrestling DVD party with just the two of us. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it tonight (explanation to follow) but told him that we could do it sometime during the week. So hot damn! The unbelievably hot and young 23 year old is back for some 30 year old lovin.

Fuck Lush

I've used a face mask from Lush in the past and have ended up looking fuckin awesome. I'm talkin 5 years younger at least. The problem with this last one is that I did it the day after spending a whole night of making out with a guy with scruffy face and only after I had put the mask on did ChazzyB say, "Oh that's the one that really exfoiliates." So then I spent the next two days peeling large flakes of skin off my nose and chin. And by peeling, I mean, watched them fall.

So then today I was hanging out with my mom and telling her about the face mask from Lush that I used that made me look five years younger. And she wanted to use it. And I still had some in the fridge. And I have a really hard time saying no to face masks. And we thought it'd be ok cuz this was a "moisturizing" one.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that now I'm going out on date #2 with Big Dick from Work and my face is red and peeling. I keep rubbing aloe all over it but all that does is make it red, peeling, and shiny. I'm really hoping the bar is dark.

Vacation, Gotta Get Away

I got Thursday and Friday off from work this week cuz of camp. Wednesday night I fucked the boss all night and didn't get any sleep. And Thursday night I went to ChazzyB and June Buggie's for a sleep over. It was like being on vacation. We did face masks from Lush while drinking cosmos and then went and sang kareokee at The Closet. Doing an exfoiliating face mask after making out all night with a guy who has a scruffy face is never a good idea. My face is so red and looks wind burned. And also, its really not productive to do a face mask before getting wasted and hanging out in a smokey bar. I'm really not in good shape today.

Oh and we were really drunk when we went to The Closet and I regrettably admit that June Buggie actually sang Bette Midler's "The Rose" and I sang Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made for Walkin." It wasn't pretty and I apologize to anyone who witnessed it.

Who says you shouldn't sleep with the boss?

All right. So I went out with the guy from work the other night and man o' man, does he have a big dick. Let me preface this story by saying that I had NO intention of sleeping with the guy. Really, I didn't. I barely shaved my legs and even told ChazzyB that I couldn't since I work with him and he's higher up than me. I really was not expecting any action at all. But funny things happen when you're drunk and the bar closes down and you're not done hanging out cuz you're having so much fun talking and so you invite the guy back to your place cuz you have beer in the fridge and a new indie wrestling DVD.

I won't go into too much detail but I will say this: the guy is wild in bed and I'm still sore, 2 days later. And he has a huuuuuuuuuuuuge dick. I'm talking huge, people. There were positions I couldn't do cuz it actually hurt. And we did it all night long. Literally. I did not get one minute of sleep on Wednesday night. By 7 AM, we were still going strong and I was having these obscure daydreams, like I was going in and out of sleep or something. When he was leaving at 9 AM, we were saying good-bye at the door and started making out again and next thing you know, its 10 AM and I'm up against a wall with hard dick pressed up against me. Unfortunately, I had to say no to going back in the bedroom because I honestly didn't think my vag could take another round. I feared it would explode from swollenness and pain.

There was one semi-strange thing though. The guy never came. He stayed hard the whole entire time but never came once. And he didn't really seem to care if he ever did. He was more into making sure that I got off.

Oh and he's really into heavy metal. And he's vegan.

Never Look Up Your Date's Myspace Page

There are a million reasons why I hate myspace:

1. I only get messages from people that are either nasty dudes or they're from high school/college and I lost touch with them for a reason.
2. Its filled with people who remind me that I'm no longer in my 20's.
3. ChazzyB forced me to look up the 23 year old and his profile was AWFUL. It was really, truly the profile of a young man, just out of college, showing off his tattoos, and talking about his life philosophies and it totally made me go soft.

Ok, so maybe there are just three reasons why I hate myspace but for the record, I didn't hate it before I found the 23 year old's. I was merely annoyed by it and I deleted my profile and that was that. But then ChazzyB forced me to look up the 23 year old's and now I HATE it. I actually found myself thinking about his profile while I was with him the other night and had to push it out of my mind so as to not lose my momentum. And then I had to look it up again tonight cuz my mom left after bottle #2 and I'm drunk and I know ChazzyB's password. So I hate myspace.

Irish Man #2

The guy that I emailed from work called me again on Friday night and we ended up talking for over 2 hours. Obviously we had a lot to talk about and he was pretty funny. My favorite part was when he said, "What are you doing right now?" And I said, "I'm in bed," and he said, "What a shame." It was cute and soft and sexy all at the same time.

Anyways, I'm supposed to call him this week so we can go out for drinks. Oh and he's totally Irish Catholic.

Gettin Paid to Camp

So I just got back from 3 days of camping in the woods of Kankakee for work and I'm a bit exhausted. Seriously, my body has not ached like this since doing the marathon last fall. I'm in total pain. But anyways, here's a quick update:

• Hooked up with the 23 year old the night before leaving town. He asked me how old my indie wrestling friends are (cuz he's going to our next indie wrestling dvd party) and when I told him low 30's, he said, "Oh wow." I think that made him really nervous and I wouldn't be surprised if he bails.
• He's never been with someone so much older.
• He was extremely fun in bed yet again.
• While camping, I didn't have a cell phone signal but found later that the guy from work who I emailed had called on Wednesday night. He left a brief voicemail and I'm gonna call him back tomorrow.

All right, that's all I got for now. I need to go lay down and die.

Booty Call Accepted

So the 23 year old called me up for another booty call tonight and even though I was sitting on my couch with a face mask on, listening to music, and reading Mankind by Mick Foley, I knew I couldn't deny another booty call. I had to pull it together what with a hangover and my period and just be a trooper. I figured I'd go over and just service him and be back home before midnight. I feared another rejection this early on would put an end to this dream situation that I'm trying to live.

Ok, so I learned that he's so damn hot cuz not only is he half Asian but he's half Russian as well. I assumed his dad was a white-ey but it turns out he's a full-blooded Russian. Shit.

Secondly, this boy ain't afraid of a little blood. I guess it makes sense seeing how he was in wrestling school and all but I wasn't expecting for him to go to such lengths to get me off, if you know what I mean. I'm trying not to be too graphic for those of you that get uncomfortable but I will say this: When I told him I was on the rag, he said, "I'll get a towel."

Thirdly, he explained the CM Punk dick in a bagel situation. The wrestlers were bored back stage and they thought it was weird that the promoter had given them bagels so they just started putting them on their dicks, naturally. CM Punk was soft and that's why its so impressive that he broke the bagel. The 23 year old wasn't there, he just heard it through the grape vine.

Fourthly, he asked my age and it was adorable. He said, "Ok... so I'm just wondering....you're about to finish your master's and you own your own place....how old are you anyways?" Of course I asked him how old he thought I was and he said 25. Cute little liar. When I told him 30 he said, "That's cool. You're robbing the cradle."

He's fun and charming and sweet as hell. He's hotter than anything I've ever known and what's better than having sex and then rolling over and talking wrestling? Oh and did I mention that he's 23?

What the hell is in a Bahama Mama anyways?

Its always nice to know that you're never too old to puke from drinking. Cuz thanks to that gallon jug of Bahama Mama's that the coked out waitress left at our table last night, I barely made it in the door last night. Shoot, who am I kidding? I barely made it home at all. I had a hard time telling the cabbie where I lived and we ended up going too far north and did a big loop around to get back.

But the good news is that I sent a drunken text to the 23 year old hottie regarding CM Punk's dick. You see, while I was relating the story of how the 23 year old knows how big it is, a lot of questions came up. Questions I was not only completely unable to answer but also unable to get out of my head once they were raised. Like, what were the wrestlers doing putting bagels on their dicks in the first place? Was CM Punk hard and if so, why? So I sent a text saying "They wanna no bout cm punx dik," to which he replied, "Its so big that it once clotheslined me when I walked by him." Now this may not seem like good news but trust me, it is. The lines of communication are still going between us and I've got to maintain them. Not only do I wanna keep him around so I can tell people, "I'm sleeping with a 23 year old," but I really wanna get the answers to the questions about CM Punk and the bagel.

There's a good chance I'll get fired for sexual harrassment. I had to take matters into my own hands on Friday after my co-worker failed to introduce me to a hottie who works at my agency but in a different building. So I sent him an email before leaving for the day....and then I looked up the guy in the agency directory and realized he's in a higher position than me. Oh well, we'll see what happens.