Meme's Adventures in Dating and Drinking and Life

Even though you already know this story, Chargenda

2006-09-12T07:25:00.000-05:00

So yesterday at work, a client found a stray puppy. I was supposed to take it to a no kill shelter but on the drive there, got the bright idea to actually take it home instead. I tried calling Keke and ChazzyB so they could talk me out of it but neither answered their work phones. So I blame them for this whole ordeal. Anyways, the thing was cute at first, once I bathed it and got rid of some of the poop smell. But then it quickly showed its true colors. Started pooping and peeing inside, scratching its fleas, and whimpering and barking anytime I left it alone. I tried to take it to the no kill shelter when ChazzyB came over but we were too late and it was closed.

So my mom is coming by this morning to pick it up and take it to the shelter. I'm leaving it in the bathroom right now cuz did I mention that its in heat and bleeding as well? It won't stop crying and barking and scratching at the door and its slowing making me crazy. I hate this dog and have a whole new appreciation for Bull. Oh and the picture above came up when I googled "scrappy".

Uh Oh....

2006-09-03T21:29:00.000-05:00

So I had date #2 with Mr. Big Dick from Work last night. It lasted until almost 3 PM today. He was super nervous when I first met up with him and could barely make eye contact. He mellowed out a bit with time but I was able to pry out of him that he just broke up with his girlfriend of over 3 years last week. And they still live together. He really didn't want to share this info but thanks to my handy detective skills, I got it out of him. And then he felt bad and said he didn't want to be less than straight forward with me and blah blah blah.

Anyways, he came back to my place and we did it all night again. Then we slept for a couple hours and did it again. Then we laid in bed and talked for like 3 hours. He shared more about the break-up and seemed pretty mature and insightful about the whole situation. I told him about my dyke past. He was cool with it and we ended up telling lots of stories and laughing a shit load. It was the best post-sex bedtime I've ever had.

Eventually, he went to leave and we started going at it again. He asked if we could hang out again soon without so much drinking and I suggested we make dinner sometime. Then it started getting all hot and heavy and I looked at the time and saw that I was late to meeting Keke and knew that I was being beyond lame and shitty and so we ended it and went our separate ways.

The moral of the story is this:

my body is totally adapting to his gigantic dick
he's super cute and funny
I'm not gonna get too into him right now cuz of his whole break-up situation
I'm a good detective
the picture above came up when I googled "ex girlfriend"
I can be a super lame friend when I'm getting action

Back in the Game

2006-09-03T21:23:00.000-05:00

I thought it was over with the 23 year old. We've barely been in touch and he bailed on the indie wrestling DVD party at the last minute. I wasn't surprised or sad that it was over, just happy that it had ever happened to begin with. But then he sends me a text tonight asking for a private wrestling DVD party with just the two of us. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it tonight (explanation to follow) but told him that we could do it sometime during the week. So hot damn! The unbelievably hot and young 23 year old is back for some 30 year old lovin.

Fuck Lush

2006-09-02T20:35:00.000-05:00

I've used a face mask from Lush in the past and have ended up looking fuckin awesome. I'm talkin 5 years younger at least. The problem with this last one is that I did it the day after spending a whole night of making out with a guy with scruffy face and only after I had put the mask on did ChazzyB say, "Oh that's the one that really exfoiliates." So then I spent the next two days peeling large flakes of skin off my nose and chin. And by peeling, I mean, watched them fall.

So then today I was hanging out with my mom and telling her about the face mask from Lush that I used that made me look five years younger. And she wanted to use it. And I still had some in the fridge. And I have a really hard time saying no to face masks. And we thought it'd be ok cuz this was a "moisturizing" one.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that now I'm going out on date #2 with Big Dick from Work and my face is red and peeling. I keep rubbing aloe all over it but all that does is make it red, peeling, and shiny. I'm really hoping the bar is dark.

Vacation, Gotta Get Away

2006-09-01T11:40:00.000-05:00

I got Thursday and Friday off from work this week cuz of camp. Wednesday night I fucked the boss all night and didn't get any sleep. And Thursday night I went to ChazzyB and June Buggie's for a sleep over. It was like being on vacation. We did face masks from Lush while drinking cosmos and then went and sang kareokee at The Closet. Doing an exfoiliating face mask after making out all night with a guy who has a scruffy face is never a good idea. My face is so red and looks wind burned. And also, its really not productive to do a face mask before getting wasted and hanging out in a smokey bar. I'm really not in good shape today.

Oh and we were really drunk when we went to The Closet and I regrettably admit that June Buggie actually sang Bette Midler's "The Rose" and I sang Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made for Walkin." It wasn't pretty and I apologize to anyone who witnessed it.

Who says you shouldn't sleep with the boss?

2006-09-01T10:29:00.000-05:00

All right. So I went out with the guy from work the other night and man o' man, does he have a big dick. Let me preface this story by saying that I had NO intention of sleeping with the guy. Really, I didn't. I barely shaved my legs and even told ChazzyB that I couldn't since I work with him and he's higher up than me. I really was not expecting any action at all. But funny things happen when you're drunk and the bar closes down and you're not done hanging out cuz you're having so much fun talking and so you invite the guy back to your place cuz you have beer in the fridge and a new indie wrestling DVD.

I won't go into too much detail but I will say this: the guy is wild in bed and I'm still sore, 2 days later. And he has a huuuuuuuuuuuuge dick. I'm talking huge, people. There were positions I couldn't do cuz it actually hurt. And we did it all night long. Literally. I did not get one minute of sleep on Wednesday night. By 7 AM, we were still going strong and I was having these obscure daydreams, like I was going in and out of sleep or something. When he was leaving at 9 AM, we were saying good-bye at the door and started making out again and next thing you know, its 10 AM and I'm up against a wall with hard dick pressed up against me. Unfortunately, I had to say no to going back in the bedroom because I honestly didn't think my vag could take another round. I feared it would explode from swollenness and pain.

There was one semi-strange thing though. The guy never came. He stayed hard the whole entire time but never came once. And he didn't really seem to care if he ever did. He was more into making sure that I got off.

Oh and he's really into heavy metal. And he's vegan.

Never Look Up Your Date's Myspace Page

2006-08-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

There are a million reasons why I hate myspace:

I only get messages from people that are either nasty dudes or they're from high school/college and I lost touch with them for a reason.
Its filled with people who remind me that I'm no longer in my 20's.
ChazzyB forced me to look up the 23 year old and his profile was AWFUL. It was really, truly the profile of a young man, just out of college, showing off his tattoos, and talking about his life philosophies and it totally made me go soft.

Ok, so maybe there are just three reasons why I hate myspace but for the record, I didn't hate it before I found the 23 year old's. I was merely annoyed by it and I deleted my profile and that was that. But then ChazzyB forced me to look up the 23 year old's and now I HATE it. I actually found myself thinking about his profile while I was with him the other night and had to push it out of my mind so as to not lose my momentum. And then I had to look it up again tonight cuz my mom left after bottle #2 and I'm drunk and I know ChazzyB's password. So I hate myspace.

Irish Man #2

2006-08-28T21:24:00.000-05:00

The guy that I emailed from work called me again on Friday night and we ended up talking for over 2 hours. Obviously we had a lot to talk about and he was pretty funny. My favorite part was when he said, "What are you doing right now?" And I said, "I'm in bed," and he said, "What a shame." It was cute and soft and sexy all at the same time.

Anyways, I'm supposed to call him this week so we can go out for drinks. Oh and he's totally Irish Catholic.

Gettin Paid to Camp

2006-08-25T17:54:00.000-05:00

So I just got back from 3 days of camping in the woods of Kankakee for work and I'm a bit exhausted. Seriously, my body has not ached like this since doing the marathon last fall. I'm in total pain. But anyways, here's a quick update:

Hooked up with the 23 year old the night before leaving town. He asked me how old my indie wrestling friends are (cuz he's going to our next indie wrestling dvd party) and when I told him low 30's, he said, "Oh wow." I think that made him really nervous and I wouldn't be surprised if he bails.
He's never been with someone so much older.
He was extremely fun in bed yet again.
While camping, I didn't have a cell phone signal but found later that the guy from work who I emailed had called on Wednesday night. He left a brief voicemail and I'm gonna call him back tomorrow.

All right, that's all I got for now. I need to go lay down and die.

Booty Call Accepted

2006-08-20T23:51:00.000-05:00

So the 23 year old called me up for another booty call tonight and even though I was sitting on my couch with a face mask on, listening to music, and reading Mankind by Mick Foley, I knew I couldn't deny another booty call. I had to pull it together what with a hangover and my period and just be a trooper. I figured I'd go over and just service him and be back home before midnight. I feared another rejection this early on would put an end to this dream situation that I'm trying to live.

Ok, so I learned that he's so damn hot cuz not only is he half Asian but he's half Russian as well. I assumed his dad was a white-ey but it turns out he's a full-blooded Russian. Shit.

Secondly, this boy ain't afraid of a little blood. I guess it makes sense seeing how he was in wrestling school and all but I wasn't expecting for him to go to such lengths to get me off, if you know what I mean. I'm trying not to be too graphic for those of you that get uncomfortable but I will say this: When I told him I was on the rag, he said, "I'll get a towel."

Thirdly, he explained the CM Punk dick in a bagel situation. The wrestlers were bored back stage and they thought it was weird that the promoter had given them bagels so they just started putting them on their dicks, naturally. CM Punk was soft and that's why its so impressive that he broke the bagel. The 23 year old wasn't there, he just heard it through the grape vine.

Fourthly, he asked my age and it was adorable. He said, "Ok... so I'm just wondering....you're about to finish your master's and you own your own place....how old are you anyways?" Of course I asked him how old he thought I was and he said 25. Cute little liar. When I told him 30 he said, "That's cool. You're robbing the cradle."

He's fun and charming and sweet as hell. He's hotter than anything I've ever known and what's better than having sex and then rolling over and talking wrestling? Oh and did I mention that he's 23?

What the hell is in a Bahama Mama anyways?

2006-08-20T18:03:00.000-05:00

Its always nice to know that you're never too old to puke from drinking. Cuz thanks to that gallon jug of Bahama Mama's that the coked out waitress left at our table last night, I barely made it in the door last night. Shoot, who am I kidding? I barely made it home at all. I had a hard time telling the cabbie where I lived and we ended up going too far north and did a big loop around to get back.

But the good news is that I sent a drunken text to the 23 year old hottie regarding CM Punk's dick. You see, while I was relating the story of how the 23 year old knows how big it is, a lot of questions came up. Questions I was not only completely unable to answer but also unable to get out of my head once they were raised. Like, what were the wrestlers doing putting bagels on their dicks in the first place? Was CM Punk hard and if so, why? So I sent a text saying "They wanna no bout cm punx dik," to which he replied, "Its so big that it once clotheslined me when I walked by him." Now this may not seem like good news but trust me, it is. The lines of communication are still going between us and I've got to maintain them. Not only do I wanna keep him around so I can tell people, "I'm sleeping with a 23 year old," but I really wanna get the answers to the questions about CM Punk and the bagel.

2006-08-20T17:56:00.000-05:00

There's a good chance I'll get fired for sexual harrassment. I had to take matters into my own hands on Friday after my co-worker failed to introduce me to a hottie who works at my agency but in a different building. So I sent him an email before leaving for the day....and then I looked up the guy in the agency directory and realized he's in a higher position than me. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

What's With the Kids These Days?

2006-08-18T06:41:00.000-05:00

Here's a text I got from the 23 year old hottie last night:

I dare you to come watch TNA and get laid at 10. XXXX Fremont. I can't say parking will be easy, but it might be worth the trouble.

I should've followed Keke's advice and replied, "I can't, I'm 30," cuz it was 8:30 pm when he sent it and I was already in my pj's with a glass of wine, sprawled out on the couch watching ultimate fighting, totally exhausted from the night before with him. I hate that I had to turn down his first booty call. If I'm going to keep a 23 year old sex toy then I need to be on top of my game. I've got to start going to oxygen bars and getting botox injections.

Oh and another thing, he sent an email yesterday and used some slang I've never heard. Is anyone familiar with term "randy"? As in, "Looks like someones feeling randy too?"

If you know what I mean....

2006-08-17T14:20:00.000-05:00

He sent a super cute email calling me "Meloodles" and asking if its ok if he does drunken booty calls/texts. I told him to drink away.

He also told me I give great head. Holla! And he wants to attend our next wrestling DVD party.

One More Way I'm Like a Poodle

2006-08-17T06:44:00.000-05:00

Can I get an Amen? Fuck. The 23 year old former wrestling student ended up being the hottest guy I have ever laid eyes on. No joke. The cutest baby face, messy dark hair, muscular but not too beefy, super cute indie boy style without being trendy, tattoos, nice full lips....Seriously, he could be a model. I've never been that close to someone so beautiful and I think I saw god.

It was easier than I anticipated to get him back to my place. After a lot of talk about indie wrestling and a few drinks, I mentioned having the Best of Jack Evans DVD at my place (thanks DDBF!) and one more Guiness (again, thanks DDBF, it was left over from the wrestling DVD party) and before I even finished my suggestion he said, "Let's go."

Here are the highlights of the whole night:

He was super funny. I told him about Bull being a "labradoodle" and he had never heard of designer dogs so I was naming all the other ones I've heard of like "schnoodle," and "golden doodle," and he said, "So basically, poodles are sluts."
He loved talking wrestling. And he got really excited to have someone to talk to about it. He said none of his friends are into it so he just ends up on the message boards emailing with people and so it was really cute how happy he was to actually be able to talk with a real person. And it was awesome cuz I got all kinds of insider info (CM Punk has a big dick; Necro smokes tons of pot before going into the ring).
He never asked my age.
He ensured that I will have June Buggie's baby because he was proof that white + Asian = perfection.
I got carded cuz I was with him and he looks like he's 18.
The boy knows what he's doing with his tongue. Seriously, not since being with the ladies have I had someone be that good at eating vag. And he did it TWICE.
He was a REALLY good kisser. I mean, GOOD.
Normally, I would be a little insecure being with someone so fuckin hot but I totally didn't care cuz I was like, "I'll never get another chance to do it with someone so fine and so young so I'm gonna go all out." And I did. And it was fun.
He was really cute after we did it and was all cuddly and doing the whole lightly touching and tracing my body thing.
Everything he did could either be classified as a) hot or b) adorable.

The moral of the story is this: From now on, I'm only dating guys under the age of 24 cuz they're like eager little puppies, wanting to please.

Here's His Picture, Chargenda

2006-08-15T21:25:00.000-05:00

Indie Wrestling Documentary Take 1

2006-08-15T13:55:00.000-05:00

I'm on my way to starting the documentary. Holla! Here's the latest from my 23 year old future husband (cuz I will totally get married if its to someone who went to wrestling school):

wrestling + booze = good combination. ROH drinking game? im ashmed to admit that i only have like 3 ROH DVD's. i'm not living up to the internet wrestling nerd stereotype. though, a lot of people don't know that about me. i never did buy that DVDMB shirt to wear to formal funcations. i'm down for some drinks and sentons. you have ink. nice. fuck. too much banter.

His spelling suggests that perhaps he's bladed a bit too deep....

If only he were Jack....

2006-08-15T12:40:00.000-05:00

The former wrestling student is funny. Here's his reply:

dearest Melanie,
got your message from the Reader matches. hows THIS for not a lot of email banter?
-MarkK
p.s. please be hot. and a girl.

DDBF and X-Man, This is For You

2006-08-15T11:26:00.000-05:00

Oh my god, I will be crushed if I don't hear back from the guy I just found on the Reader. He used to be in wrestling school!!!!!! I sent him an email but left out my age since I'm 7 years older and didn't want that to scare him off. I just wanna get him to a bar for drinks so I can grill him about the secrets of wrestling. This could be the beginning of the documentary that DDBF and X-Man and I are gonna do. I will lie to this guy, send pictures of a playboy bunny, whatever it takes to get him to a bar. I have so many questions. Maybe DDBF and X-Man will even be able to meet us out and sit near by and pass me notes with more questions. I'm so excited right now that my hands are shaking. Well, its either from excitement or the pot of espresso I just finished off.

2006-08-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

So I have a date with a union organizer this week. He's tall with red hair and makes pumpkin beer. He looks really ugly in his pictures.

The Glass Castle is Such a Good Book

2006-08-12T09:16:00.000-05:00

You know you're not having much fun on a date when you can't stop thinking about the book you're in the middle of and can't wait to get home and continue reading. The hippie turned out not to be a hippie but another IT guy. What is that? Number 3 now? He was cute though and quirky, very effeminate. He photophraphs weddings and events on the side and also does sound for bands. And he's super into photography too and does a lot of nature photos with really long exposures. He likes the symphony and classical music. Listens to a lot of NPR. He kept wanting to hang out (WITHOUT DRINKING, he only had one beer the whole night) but I finally made up a story about doing a really long run this morning and how my running buddy would be at my place super early. He walked me to my car and then I drove him to his (cuz he was nervous about walking through Roger's Park by himself). He asked if I would want to go "shooting" next weekend. I thought he meant guns and was like, "hell yeah," but it turns out he was talking about taking pictures. We did what he refers to as a "car hug" and he left.

Did I mention that the South Side Rebel was there too? Well, he was. Having beers with some dude. I pretended like I didn't see him even though I had to walk by him to leave.

2006-08-11T17:20:00.000-05:00

Tonight I have a date with a hippie. Actually, I have no idea if he's a hippie or not cuz I know so little about him. All I know is that he suggested meeting at some hippie place in Roger's Park and he's a photographer.

Marriage is for Schmuks

2006-08-10T21:31:00.000-05:00

This just in from the married guy:

The short story is: I am married (happily for four years). She is bisexual and has the need to see other women. Therefore I see other women. No jealousy, just a supportive best friend to talk about our dates. We've both had very involved relationships and can offer everything but marriage and children. So yes, a very different arrangement, yes, but one that is more stable and mature than most couples'.

You Can't Take the Dyke out of the Girl

2006-08-10T20:59:00.000-05:00

After finishing watching Big Brother 7 with my pants unbuttoned and wine stained lips, I decided to get online and try out my random point and click method to get a date. I soon grew bored and thought, "Hey, I'll check out the ladies and see if I can find Toad's ex or the girl he went out with the other night."

I quickly forgot why I was checking out the ladies and instead found myself laughing at profiles (in a good way) and thinking things like, "Wow, she's hot," or "Damn, I'd do her," or "Fuck, I wonder what she'd do if I emailed her?"

So the moral of this story is that 1) I still have dyke tendancies and 2) there are way more cute and funny girls out there to date than there are cute and funny boys and 3) now I know why Toad gets so much action.

Batteries Dead

2006-08-09T21:51:00.000-05:00

Either my vibrator goes through batteries really fast or I'm using the thing way too much. I had to replace them AGAIN last night. Of course, it may have something to do with the fact I frequently fall asleep with it on and then wake up in the morning to the familiar buzz.

A Really Exciting Update

2006-08-09T21:30:00.000-05:00

So here's the latest update with my online shenanagins:

The Subversive Dog Walker aka The South Side Rebel never called after I rejected him for a second date, I called him a few days later, and then poof, he disappeared.
The Creepy Dude from last week emailed and called so I sent him an email saying I wasn't interested and good luck.
I emailed another guy out of sheer nothingness. There is no one I'm interested in so I'm just picking by even more random than when I was going by height and location. Now I'm just shutting my eyes, pointing and clicking. He emailed back saying that since I don't have a profile up he needs more information on me before we can meet for drinks. I emailed him back a few minutes ago and I'm not sure what I said. I just know that I didn't care and I didn't proofread.
I used my random point and click method and emailed another guy just now. Then after I sent it, I looked at his profile and read that he's married. I sooooo hope he emails back.
The picture above came up when I googled for "shenanagins".
And I'm sorry, but I've really got nothing else. Oh yeah, there was a super hottie at my huge work picnic last week and he and I were eyeballing each other so much that my co-worker was gonna introduce us but I wouldn't let him. But now I'm gonna have him try and set us up.

This is What I'm Holding Out For

2006-08-09T20:44:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted and I'm sorry. First of all, I didn't think anyone was reading this. So your lives are apparently more boring than mine. Secondly, your life really isn't more boring than mine and I haven't done shit to post about. Unless you want to hear about my nephew's sleepover where we made the couch into a bed and watched an animated movie about a dog while eating popcorn. Or maybe you want to hear about how the guy from Luna Carpets and Blinds came over so I could price custom blinds. Or what about that really funny story where I went over to Keke's and sat on her back porch and between the two of us, drank 3 bottles of wine and talked about high school. But that story isn't nearly as hilarious as last night's, when I had dinner with ChazzyB and June Buggie at T's and ChazzyB accidently kicked Bull's water dish and his foot got wet. Man o man, it just gets crazier and crazier.

You Don't Always Get What You Want

2006-08-02T23:33:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOD! I just went out with a total freak! My first online freak! I'm so excited. First of all, he's not very cute. I mean he's ok, but definitely not as cute in person. Secondly, he JUST got divorced. I love how he left that out of his little profile. And he talked extensively about it. I think that's why I got drunk so fast.

The thing that gets me is that sexually, we are totally compatible. He loves dykes, loves non-vanillish sex, and is very, very open-minded. He isn't intimidated at all by my dyke past and in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he were getting off to it right now. And the reason I know all of this is because like I said earlier, I got pretty drunk and we ended up talking a lot about sex. Its funny how easy it is to talk sex with someone you have zero interest in sexually and I offered him a lot of advice on how to get what he's looking for. I thought we were having a one-night buddie stand.

He seemed a bit gay to me though. I'm not sure if it was the way he lit up while talking about his first crush on a "Kurt Cobain lookalike" at the age of 15 or his strong desire for anal play. But either way, I told him he seemed pretty gay to me and that he should really explore this area.

Unfortunately, he seemed to like me and insisted on walking me home in the storm. I lied about where I lived to get rid of him sooner but was unable to lie about my phone number. I do not plan on answering when he calls though. He tried to smooch but I wasn't having it. Like I said, I thought we were buddies for the night. So I'll just send him an email so he never calls.

Heat Wave Will Be My Death

2006-08-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

This heat wave is nuts. I keep blowing circuits at my place which means the window a/c units shut off while I'm at work and not only do I come home to a hot apartment, but my mom has to stop by during the day to check on my dog. I was freaking out today at work cuz my mom was out in the burbs at my sister's house and couldn't check on Bull so I faked a migraine and left for the day. Bull was fine but I nearly lost it after the third time the a/c shut off while I was trying to watch Days of Our Lives. I couldn't bring myself to go down 3 flights of stairs in 105 degree heat so I just laid on my couch, sweating and contemplating which would be easier: throwing myself out the window or slicing my throat with the glass after I finished my Crystal Light. I finally decided that I should pick up ChazzyB and his boy so we could go swimming in my mom's rooftop pool.

If this lasts one more day, consider this post my suicide note.

Another Day, Another Dollar

2006-08-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

While there's no guarantee that I'll do anal, I do have another date lined up for Wednesday night. This is with a new guy. One I already like cuz when I told him that "I spend my weekdays with schizophrenics and my weekends with fags," he replied, "I spend my weekends with fags too. And dykes. Mostly dykes though to be honest." So because he wasn't offended by my use of the word "fags" and he offered freely to use the word "dyke," I think this is a good match.

I haven't heard back from the South Side Rebel though and I must admit, I'm a little disappointed. I turned him down for Sunday night due to my date with X-Man's boyfriend's twin and he hasn't called or anything since. If I don't hear from him before my date on Wednesday though, I'm calling. He was cool.

Another Anti-A/C'er

2006-07-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

The date only lasted an hour and while its clear there's no chemistry, I really want this guy to be my new best friend. He went to Stanford (I asked if he knew you, DDBF, but he doesn't), has 3 younger sisters, and is really, really, really cool. He looks like X-Man's boyfriend and isn't macho and is from Northern California. Just an all around good guy. I really wish I had someone to set him up with because I totally have a friend crush on him.

Oh but check this out: He doesn't have A/C either! Not even a window unit! What the fuck is going on in this world? Has everyone gone completely crazy from the heat that they don't even think they need a/c?

Good Thing I'm Leaving the House Drunk

2006-07-30T20:18:00.000-05:00

Tonight I have a date with a guy who goes by "Bobby" and is doing his dissertation on Dante. I can't believe I turned down date #2 with the South Side Rebel for this.

No A/C is weird, right?

2006-07-28T05:56:00.000-05:00

So last night really proved that you can't tell shit about someone from their profile, picture, or emails. You really can't. Which shows that when doing online dating, the best technique is to send out random emails to people without taking into consideration their looks or what they say. I think its best to go strictly on height and location. Height they could add an inch or two but as long as you remember that, you're pretty much gonna know what you're getting there. And except for the guy who said he lived "north of Wrigley" but actually lived in Wheaton, no one really lies about their hood. And as for the emailing back and forth before meeting, there's really no point. That's why I keep it limited to a very brief one or two and if they won't meet for drinks after that, then bye bye.

Ok, so the reason I'm rambling on about all that is cuz from looking at last night's date's profile, picture, and emails, I would have written this guy off. Let's call him the South Side Rebel. But in person, the South Side Rebel was cute and funny and super cool. He grew up on the south side, lived in Mexico, has traveled a bit, and has gay friends. I didn't even mention gayness and he told a story about watching Miss Universe with some gay friends the other night. The conversation was never awkward and he made me laugh really hard a couple times.

But check this out: The 6'5" Dog Walker Who Once Went Soft On Me was there. And I had to walk by him on the way out and he stood up to say hello and I'm really not good in these kinds of situations and so of course I made it worse by not introducing my date who I then told after we left that I couldn't remember the guy's name. A date just wouldn't be a date for me if I didn't lie.

There's on weird thing about the South Side Rebel though: he hates air conditioning and doesn't have one at his place. Now I'm a total hippie at heart: I don't wear perfume; hate manmade fragrances; up until ChazzyB introduced me to Crystal Light and Diet Coke, never used to drink chemical flavored stuff, but of course now I'm totally addicted and actually wake up craving Pink Lemonade Crystal Light; and love being outside as much as possible. But no a/c? In this heat? That's plain crazy. He ACTUALLY said, "I don't think its been that hot lately."

He walked me home and we smooched. And I didn't invite him up because apparently I've turned into some girl from the 50's who only kisses (no tongue) on the first date.

You Don't Know Me

2006-07-26T20:22:00.000-05:00

Does this picture ever get old? I mean, come on, that's WINE on his shirt. Anyways, here's a good response I got from the craigslist post today regarding the Hideout Block Party:

Are you tired of the cheating men on Craigs list? You seem like an amazing person. I'd love to get to know you. I'm 35, 6 foot 2, and have an amazing job. I think we may have a lot of interests in common. Send me a picture and I'll send you one.

I'm really considering making another post on craigslist to see how many identical replies I get from the same guys. Fuckin morons. All of 'em. I think it may be time to become a dyke again.

Money Not An Issue

2006-07-25T16:28:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I didn't think of this before but Toad gave me the idea yesterday when he told me about a girl he went out with from craigslist who was looking for someone to go to pitchfork with this weekend. So I posted there saying I was looking for someone to go to the Hideout block party with me in September. It's a good idea, right? Maybe they'll have good taste in music and be semi-cool, right? Well, I posted this morning and so far I've gotten 13 responses and there's actually a couple that I'll reply to. But here's a couple that are just plain funny:

Hey,I read your posting and at the risk of sounding arrogant or jerk-like, I am more than confident I am what you are looking for. If you are discreet, genuine, and sincere, I have an offer to make you that I am certain you will be interested in. If there is mutual chemistry, money will not be an issue in the least. I look forward to hearing from you soon. bye, Joshua

Hi there, What is the Hideout party....not familiar with it...Is a guy who is 38 too old?

I am 6'3, 230 lbs (not fat but yes, I could lose 15 more pounds) broad shouldered. Full head of hair..(and it wasn't transplanted from my ass hehe)

I like all kinds of music from Abba to ZZtop....I have seen in the past year Ozzfest (disturbed and system of a down rocked), Korn, Megadeth, Devo and Aussie Floyd (Pink Floyd) and alot of others I can't remember now...

Anyhow, let me know what this party is..I am curious...and if you wanna chat I am on Yahoo IM...

I'm Back

2006-07-24T21:56:00.000-05:00

Last week was a little rough for me. Bleeding + Breaking up = No Confidence.

Luckily, I have good friends and I bled. So I pulled through and feel back to my old self again. Now I'm ready to go, whatever that means.

2006-07-24T21:21:00.000-05:00

I warned you that it's slim pickins out there right now, didn't I? So that will explain why I'm going out with a guy who said:

What do I do? The long answer is that I work for an obscure Federal agency called the General Services Administration, which is the government's landlord and procurement agency. Within that agency are two sub-agencies, the Federal Acquisition Service and the Public Buildings Service. FAS procures most non-weapon items for nearly all other federal agencies, including vehicles and technology. They supply things such as medical equipment to federal prisons, servers for the IRS, and fire-fighting gear to the western wildfire agencies. The PBS, where I work, constructs or leases and manages most non-defense federal property, such as ranger stations in national forests, border crossings, courthouses, pre-Nixion post offices, and some national monuments, including the White House. My branch manages the interior space and property on about seven floors of the federal building in downtown Chicago. I work with the engineers, architects, designers, plumbers, electricians, and janitors, pulling federal employees and departments together with private-sector contractors. My daily work runs the gamut from writing proposals and contracting requests, to picking out what items we need to buy for our projects, to crawling around on my hands and knees with a power drill trying to fix a busted desk.

You didn't finish reading it, right? Well, neither did I. In the one and only email before this one he talked about Andersonville (my hood) being bourgeois and how he likes to walk his sister's dog around it and let the dog poop in front of nice cars cuz he's "teaching it how to be subversive."

You know what? I don't think I can meet this guy at Simon's afterall.

Well, maybe I will. It depends how bored I am.

Damn X-Man and his Morals

2006-07-24T21:14:00.000-05:00

So there was a great picture from Saturday night that included X-Man, Dede's Boyfriend, and a bottle of poppers. I really wanted to post it along with a summary of reasons of why I love my friends which happened to include a willingness to do poppers at a moment's notice while discussing the self-cleaning properties of vaginas and anal sex. Unfortunately, X-Man xinayed the idea, and since I don't have any current pictures of me with a bottle, I got nothing. So there ya go. A random picture of a girl with her legs open.

Slim Pickins

2006-07-23T07:44:00.000-05:00

I've decided to start looking for dates online again cuz it was so fun to meet random strangers for drinks and then tear them apart on my blog. But I really don't want to put up my own profile just yet so I'm doing what I did when I first started the online thing at the beginning of the year which is to hunt around, send out as many emails as possible, not caring about what they look like, what they say, or what gender they want to date. So I went on the Reader yesterday and people, I gotta say, it ain't lookin good. But whatever, I still sent out some emails.

I also went on the Bust/Nerve/Onion website and found that the IT guy put his profile back up. So I changed my search to one year older so I don't have to see his stupid profile every time I get on there. But man oh man, there was NOTHING on there. I didn't send out one single email.

So the moral of the story is this:
I'm really gonna have to lower my standards. And if you remember anything from my original blog, this is kind of scary.

2006-07-23T01:34:00.000-05:00

Just like the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling in the late 80's, I have something to prove. Like Keke told me last night, no one will post comments until I show that I will not disappear again. So although I may currently be like the woman on the bottom of this pile, soon I will prevail like the blonde Russian, triumphant with both hands in the air. Confident because my friends trust my blog again and post fun comments ridiculing me and my dates.

The House Is Almost Sold!!!!

2006-07-21T06:52:00.000-05:00

It's not easy trying to sell a house in Michigan with an ex-girlfriend you're not speaking to who lives in LA when you live in Chicago and are now dating dudes. Actually, that last part has nothing to do with it at all, I just threw that in there for fun. Anyways, the woman pictured above is how I picture our realtor to look whenever I talk to her on the phone. I've never met her and the woman pictured above is named Darlene while our realtor is named Pam. But whatever she looks like, Pam/Darlene has sold our house! It only took a year but hey. We close on Thursday. Thanks Pam/Darlene!

Some things I learned from this whole fiasco:

Joint checking accounts are a really bad idea.
Just because you've been with someone for five years doesn't mean they won't screw you over in a heart beat.
People really are generally good deep down inside and if they are screwing you over, just give them some time and they'll come around and do the right thing like my ex ended up doing.
During the period of getting screwed over, do NOT send nasty emails through friendster to their current girlfriend because then they'll never do the right thing so instead, tell all your friends what you would love to send and be as mean and nasty as possible. But do not send it!!!!
Always listen to your mom. Or maybe you should always listen to my mom. She was sooooooooooooo right.
Unless you are married, do not put both names on the deed. Unless your name is the one that isn't putting down the down payment. Then by all means, get your name on the deed.

Bring It On

2006-07-21T05:52:00.000-05:00

So I figured out how to change my comment settings so anyone can post a comment, including "anonymous". For some reason, before it was set so only registered users could post which is very elitist of this blog site, I think. Actually, after one mean anonymous comment though I'm totally going back to the original setting.

My Mom's Retirement Party

2006-07-20T06:56:00.000-05:00

We had a retirement party for my mom in the Signature Room on top of the John Hancock Center and things got a little nutty. That's me to the left there, with my bra showing as I lean in for a closer look. Well, that may not be my mom or me or her retirement party but she did recently move to Chicago and we did have a surprise party for her in the Signature Room.

My mom is so cool. She lived in the same house for 27 years in a small town in Michigan. 13 of those years she was alone. And then a few months ago, she sold her house, retired and bought a condo on Lake Michigan. On Hollywood Beach, actually. She has binoculars to watch the gay boys with from her balcony . She takes the #147 bus downtown to window shop. She tells me about neighborhood festivals and movies in parks. She's totally becoming an urban lady. She lets Bull out and empties the dishwasher during the day when I'm at work. Its so awesome having her here. And its so cool to see her adapt to a completely different life after so many years of living and working in the same, small town. Its just a matter of time before she's like that lady in the photo above.

One Reason Why I Love Indie Wrestling

2006-07-20T06:32:00.000-05:00

This is Jack Evans. He looks really gross in this picture. He kind of is gross though now that I think about it. But that's ok. He is the coolest indie wrestler out there. He breakdances! He does flips into the crowd! He's so cool that I really don't think there is a way to describe him. I emailed him after one of his shows once. It was one that Dede's Boyfriend and X-Man and X-Man's Boyfriend had gone to and afterwards we went to a bar where Jack Evans was and I talked to him. I think that might be the highlight of my year so far. Anyways, I emailed him after that, he emailed back (with insanely bad grammar and spelling), I emailed him again, and that was that. But he's been wrestling in Japan for the past few months and I'll get to see him again at the end of August. I'm sooo stalking him now that I'm single again. Shit, now that I'm single again, that means I get to stalk any indie wrestler I want.

This Friday, DDBF and X-Man are coming over for an indie wrestling DVD party. We're gonna eat nachos and drink beer. I think I'll get them drunk and then have them help me with stalking plans.

My laberdoodle

2006-07-20T06:06:00.000-05:00

This is my dog Bull. She is the cutest and sweetest dog ever. And I'm not just saying that cuz she's mine and she's moved across the country with me twice (and once it was extremely traumatic after the end of a 5 year relationship and just Bull and I drove from LA to Chicago and I cried the whole time cuz not only was I sad about the end of the relationship but also I was moving to Chicago, a city I thought I hated). And it's not because I have her name tattooed inside a heart with wings on my body. It's because she really is sweet and cute and doesn't know that she's a designer dog.

I got her as a baby from a shelter and was told she's a mutt. But 6 years later, I move to Andersonville and start seeing an awful lot of dogs that look a lot like her. And people start stopping me in the street to say, "Is that a laberdoodle?" At first, I was in denial. I would insist she was a mutt, finding facts about laberdoodles to counterattack with. I'd say, "Laberdoodles don't shed and she does," or, "Her coat is way too much like a terrier's," (when really I don't know what a terrier's coat is like.) That worked for a while until I ran into a couple laberdoodle experts who informed me that some do shed, depending on what generation they are and how much lab and poodle they are and blah blah blah. Anyways, after running into way too many laberdoodles that look EXACTLY like her and act EXACTLY like her and hearing testimonials from way too many laberdoodle experts on what makes Bull one, I think I'm ready to admit that she most likely is possibly, a laberdoodle. So there you go, I might have an $800 designer dog. But that's ok, I love her anyways.

Wanted: A Boyfriend Just Like ChazzyB

2006-07-20T05:53:00.000-05:00

I know I've used this picture in the past but come on, that's wine on his shirt. And a short time after this picture was taken, he was kicked out of Roscoe's for slapping someone. Of course I wasn't there cuz I was back at his place taking care of his roommate (aka The Fag Who Fingered Me) who had puked all over the place and then insisted on taking a bath. By the time ChazzyB got home, TFWFM was refusing to get out of the tub and I just wanted to go back to my own place so Chaz thought he was being helpful by throwing glasses of cold water onto TFWFM while calling him pussy. I ended up pushing Chaz out of the bathroom who then slipped and fell. And I'm talking FELL. He landed flat on his stomach, arms and legs splaid out. Oh and did I mention he was wearing nothing but black briefs, black socks, and a black t-shirt? It was awesome.

So why would I want a boyfriend just like ChazzyB? Because he makes me laugh harder than anyone. There are only two people that make me laugh so hard I can't talk and my body shakes. One is him and the other is Keke. And since I'm no longer a dyke, I'm going with looking for someone like ChazzyB.

So this is what happened.....

2006-07-18T21:13:00.000-05:00

That picture is exactly how I felt last night due to major PMS. I seriously think I need medication to deal with the intensity of my monthly hormone switch or balance or whatever the hell it is that is happening every month when all I can do is cry over nothing and then the next day wake up all bloody. So to make me feel better, ChazzyB and his boyfriend, Little Buggie, made me dinner and fed me drinks. As ChazzyB said, "Nothing can help cure PMS like a steak bloodier than your pussy." And you know what? He was totally right. I'm a new woman.

So the IT guy (formerly known as the drummer) turned out to be a total dud. I gave it a good 3 and a half months to really pan out but pan out it did. Friday night it was over and to celebrate, I met up with friends at Cocktail. Then to Roscoe's. Then Sidetracks. Then some weird bar called Buck's or Bucky's or something like that that one of the random fags we had picked up along the way suggested. By the time I got home I was well on my way to trashed and feeling pretty good about being single, despite the fact that I had spent my first single night surrounded by fags. But since I am a big ole fag deep down inside, that actually makes sense.

Luckily, good ole Toad called me up and we met at the Edgewater which not only got my head back in straightdom but also allowed me ample opportunity to vent. I told him about the IT guy acting all squirrely for the past couple of weeks and bailing on me the night before and then actually having the nerve to say, "Can I come over after work so we can talk about some stuff on my mind?", and then showing up at my place and saying, "Well, I just want to see where you are and if you're happy and if I can give you want in a relationship." So I said, "No, I'm not happy and I don't think you can give me what I want so we're done." And that was that.

But then of course PMS had to hit me last night (which I'm secretly happy about cuz then at least I know I'm not preggers, which for those of you who read my last blog know that this was a major concern, what with the pregnancy tests in the work bathroom stalls and all) so I'm not really complaining. But still. PMS is not fun. I cried over the loss of the relationship, I cried about my mom living alone (despite the fact that she's lived alone for 13 years), I cried about not trusting ChazzyB and Keke who didn't think the IT guy was right for me, I cried about my dog being alone all day while I'm at work every day, I cried about not seeing me sisters in a while, and on and on and on. And then I woke up this morning with a bloody pussy and knew that I would be back to my normal self in a matter of hours.

The moral of this story is this:
1) PMS sucks and I need to start taking antidepressants once a month for 2 days
2) I have decided that any online/random dating that I may do will reference this blog and any guy will have to have read it and be ok with it which in turn means being super ok with my friends and my past and me as a crazy bitch and gay people and finally,
3) he must be open to indie wrestling.

The Promise

2006-07-18T20:58:00.000-05:00

Just like the beginning of any relationship, you all have no reason to trust me. And just like someone who has been dumped but then reconciled, you have even more reason not to trust me. And just like someone who was then dumped AGAIN, you REALLY have no reason to trust me. But like what all dumpers say who beg for forgiveness and for third chances, this is my promise to you: I have learned my lessons....For now. Who's to say what I might do if/when I meet someone who romances me? Who's to say what I might do if/when I meet someone who wants me to keep our relationship business private? Will I shut up? Will I change the subject from dating/relationship to drinking/life? I don't know if I'm capable. But like any wedding vow, all I can promise is that I'll try. Isn't that what all great relationships are based on? The promise to try? So there we go. Blog #3.